Now, before you get all offended, let me say that I don’t think North America is a bad place. In fact, I think it compares favourably to most of the world. A similar list made for other world regions is likely to include items like Famine, War, and Mysterious Incurable Tropical Diseases that Make You Itch All Over the Place and Then Die. Makes the list below seem kind of appealing. However, North America has its share of irritating annoyances. So here are my top five, along with the ways I cope with them. If you have better solutions – share with me, I wanna know!
BAD THING #5 – Splashing Toilets
What happens when you drop something into a bathtub filled with water? Well, it makes a splash. Well, North American toilets are essentially miniature bathtubs…
If you’re a bomber pilot, you know that you can blow yourself up on your own bombs, if you are flying too low when you drop them. You’re also exposed to a similar danger when using a North American style toilet. The darned things splash you with cold and dirty water. If you’re a guy, it’s just gross. If you’re a girl, it’s gross as well as dangerous for your health. Remarkably, I find very few complaints about this, even though North Americans tend to delight in discussing all things toilet. Either everyone else but me is using some sort of “soft landing” technique (please tell me how you do it!), or they just accept the splash as one of the life’s inevitable unpleasantries.
Well, let me tell you – there are better ways! There exist flush toilets in certain parts Europe, and elsewhere, that have a wonderfully splash-free landing pad for your toxic waste. Some North American toilets come close if you lower the water level, but you still have to aim carefully.
Workaround: Dumping a bunch of toilet paper into the bowl before emptying the bowels.
Drawbacks: Needless waste of paper. Still some need for aiming and a possibility of a mishap. Paper sinks to the bottom after a while, so if you’re a little constipated, you might be in for a surprise. Increased chances of clogged drains.
BAD THING # 4 – Lawsuits
The warnings on some consumer products are a pretty funny by-product of the frivilous lawsuit culture, but there are far more serious consequences associated with it. It truly saddens me to think how many great initiatives have been squandered because of fear of lawsuits. Everything is made as drab, boring and restrictive as possible, for god forbid some moron does something really dumb, hurts himself and then sues you. It’s impossible to make a good thing without becoming responsible for every idiot’s injury that somehow results from it. Welcome to nanny state! Just check out this story: a personal injury lawyer (surprise, surprise!) is suing a bunch of organizations because he fell off his bike when pretending to be a mountain biker. Never mind that a technical mountain bike trial is SUPPOSED to try to throw you off your bike. That’s what’s fun about the sport! This case actually did cause plenty of unwanted consequences, as a bunch of outdoor initiatives were thwarted for the fear of similar lawsuits. What can I say – lawyers are scum of the earth.
Workaround: Be quiet, be anonymous. Go under the radar. Resist the nanny state without getting caught.
Drawbacks: Really big and important projects are impossible to accomplish undercover. Hiding all the time is not fun.
BAD THING # 3 – Fruits and veggies taste like cardboard
No wonder kids here are fat and hate their veggies. I hate chewing cardboard too! Unfortunately, North American agricultural industry does not sell good food – it sells looks. That’s why every apple and orange looks beautiful, huge, bright and perfectly round. Unfortunately, it usually is perfectly inedible too. Even organic food sections and farmer’s markets do not solve the problem: they use the same seeds as everyone else – seeds that have been optimized for easy maintenance, resistance to disease and looks. Taste barely enters the equation. A miracle occasionally happens and some plant with a hint of flavour actually makes it to the consumer, and boy is it an occasion for a celebration.
Workaround: Become an expert fruit and veggie chooser. Don’t be afraid to sniff produce in the store. Scout farms and farmer’s markets. Smuggle in some decent seeds and plant your own garden.
Drawbacks: Even the best ripe fruit detective won’t be able to find good fruit if there simply isn’t any available. Not everyone has the land, time, patience, and skill to plant one’s own fruits/veggies. Climate may not permit growth of certian fruits and veggies.
BAD THING # 2 – Ignorance and self-centeredness
Despite being extremely diverse and multicultural, North America is rather obsessed with itself. No doubt, physical isolation contributes somewhat to this trend, but in our Global Village world this is no longer excusable. Here are a few friendly tips to our North American (especially U.S.) friends:
* When writing on the internet, don’t write about “the nation”, “this country”, “our state” etc. Shocking as it might be, there are people from all over the world on the internet, not just “the” nation.
* Yes, shocking as it may be, there are other nations! You’re not the whole world, so calling World Series World Series makes you look like real doofuses.
* Americans didn’t win the 2nd World War singlehandedly. They weren’t even the ones who contributed most to the victory.
Workaround: Select your friends carefully, weeding out the ignoramuses. When encountering ignoramuses, smile and feel superior.
Drawbacks: Ignoramuses don’t disappear, and interactions with them can’t always be kept to a minimum.
BAD THING # 1 – Sprawl
The American Dream turned nightmarish. Monstrous traffic jams, depressing seas of concrete, rising levels of obesity (due to driving everywhere), lack of true communities, megamalls selling mega-crap, destruction of ecosystems as cookie-cutter subdivisions eat up more and more wilderness and farm land – God, do I ever hate suburbia.
Workaround: Live in the country or in a vibrant, human-scaled, pedestrian-friendly downtown area.
Drawbacks: If you ever want to live your downtown area, you can’t avoid travelling through the sickening suburbia. Other than that life’s pretty good.
