Admit it: despite the scratchy throat, watering eyes, and that yucky stuff that fills your nostrils, catching a cold can be kinda fun. Among the benefits are:
a) You get to miss work/school;
b) Everyone takes care of you;
and
c) The dizzy lightheadedness that accompanies your fever is not entirely unlike mild alcoholic intoxication – a sensation widely regarded as pleasurable.
If you play your cards right, your cold translates into a guilt-free week of movie marathons. There are, however, some surefire ways to ruin your cold experience and turn it into an absolute nightmare. The reason I decided to blog about them is because I have a cold, and I think I am mismanaging it. So far I have done some ultimately idiotic things, and would like to warn you about not repeating my mistakes. I am not sure though how I can do this without severely insulting your intelligence. Perhaps I can use a lame excuse of fever having the potential to cloud your judgment. So, here are some dumb behaviours I tested out during this cold. You can see for yourself that the judgment is indeed severely clouded.
1. GO TO WORK
OK, everyone knows that going to work while you have a cold is a big no-no. If you have to interact with clients or coworkers it’s just plain evil, but even if you are not spreading germs to others, remember: COLDS ARE FOR SLACKING OFF. It’s nice to feel irreplaceable, and I totally understand that there is stuff at your job that’s interesting, important and is supposed to be done RIGHT NOW. Except it can wait. If you think it can’t wait for a week, it might have to wait for a month (if you’re lucky to get rid of your cold complications that soon).
And you know what the worst part is? I’m going to go to work tomorrow again. Cause it really needs to be done RIGHT NOW. Argh…
2. GET CAUGHT IN A THUNDERSTORM WHILE RIDING A BIKE
Before today I would have said that the dumbest thing you could possibly do with a cold would have to be riding a bicycle. Today, however, I proudly declare that riding a bicycle AND getting caught in a thunderstorm while doing so trumps just riding a bicycle, and takes dumbness on a whole new level. There is a funny feeling in my chest that’s telling me that my next blog post might just be titled “Top 9 Ways to Enjoy Your Pneumonia”.
3. DRINK ALCOHOL
There is a long list of beverages, from delicious to disgusting, that are fit for consumption by a cold sufferer. Water, cranberry juice, hot milk, tea with honey, Neocitran with lemon flavour, Neocitran with cherry flavour, Neocitran with apple-cinnamon flavour, Neocitran with… – well, you get the drift. Drinking during your cold is a GOOD idea. It’s just that consuming dehydrating, hangover-inducing, immune system-weakening alcoholic beverages is not. Don’t let the immediate anesthetic effect fool you: the cold symptoms return the next day, and bring a few friends along.
4. ATTEMPT TO HAVE SEX
Attempt is the key word here – for you can’t succeed. Your partner might admire your triumphant libido, as well as feel grateful for your suggestion of doggy style to avoid spreading germs. But “Could you stop for a sec, honey, I just need to blow my nose” tends to act as a bit of a turn-off for approximately 99.9979% of the population. Today I discovered that my boyfriend does not fall into the lucky 0.0021%.
5. STAY UP TILL 1 a.m. WRITING UP A BLOG POST ABOUT TOP 6 THINGS TO AVOID IF YOU HAVE A COLD
Obvious. As if the others were not. Welcome to my first blog post, by the way. If it reads like delirious ravings of a sleep-deprived idiot with high fever, you know why.
6. …
I feel a little bit to dizzy to think of another one. And the bed beckons. So come back in a few months. I’ll be slowly recovering from my pneumonia, and will post some more invaluable pieces of advice.
